My fear of being me

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My fear of being me

I’ve had my share of fears. As a young child, I had this huge fear of falling. It troubled my coordination, resulting in a dislike of any kind of sports. Although this fear has mostly been dissolved, that doesn’t mean that I am free of fears. Right now, my biggest fear is not being able to live up to my dreams. With family and friends I talk about my studio, about the classes I teach and the presentations that I have given. It may sound that I am looking for success, but that is not what it is all about. I am looking for answers on questions like: “who am I, what is my goal in life? And although I do know the answer deep down inside, I am afraid to talk about it. I am afraid of other people’s opinions.

I want to continue being crazy; living my life the way I dream it, and not the way other people want it to be.
Paolo Coelho

I want to have a meaningful life

I want to live a meaningful life. I have learned a lot these last few years during my Alexander training. My new experiences are sometimes completely contrary to my old knowledge. I am still fascinated with the human body, but now I see that the body is not just a physical entity, it is a unity of body, mind and soul. Whenever you look at a person, you look at every aspect of that person, not just the body. I was taught to look at the anatomy without considering anything else. I looked at my patients, like any physical therapist does, with a professional distance and the knowledge that I was the one with the expertise. Obviously this role did not suit me, that is the reason I started to train with Nadia Kevan. As a wise teacher, she introduced me to aspects of humanness that I had never taken into consideration. And now it is the time for me to open up and share these ideas with other people. Do I dare to? Can I share my ideas, knowing that some people will disagree? Can I stay with my convictions, without wanting to overrule other people? And although I started my training out of curiosity without the intention to work as an Alexander teacher, now I want to be an Alexander teacher. I just need some courage. Writing about it is easy. I don’t know if anybody reads my blogs and my computer screen is not judgmental at all. I am. I have never looked at myself or anybody else as a spiritual being and now I do.

A unity of body, mind and soul

Considering a human being as a unity of body, mind and soul asks for a whole new approach. Working as an Alexander teacher suits that approach, whereas working as a physical therapist does not. A year ago I chose to stop working as a physical therapist, but starting another career is something else. Can I put hands on to help the pupil become more aware of his own body? Technically, I am not doing anything, at least not in the regular way, and that is exactly the problem. Because of its difference to my formal way of working, I fear that people will think that I have grown crazy. And I still want to fit in.

Overcoming my fears

I know how good it feels to do the things that scare me the most. This was true for movement and it will be true for my career change. Acknowledging my fears help me to get over them, and that is what I intend to do. In a few months I can call myself an Alexander teacher, it is up to me to be one.